Second Guesses
by Crittab
Summary: My speculation as to what will happen in this weeks new JAG episode. Mac comes to soem realizations, and they hit hard, when everything starts coming down on her at once. Mac's POV


Disclaimer: I don't own JAG, or even some of the words in this fic, I got some stuff from the scenes for this weeks JAG episode.  
  
Spoilers: New JAG, boomerang part 2, lifeline, A Tangled Webb parts 1 and 2  
  
Seeing Harm walk into JAG Headquarters wearing civvies is a horrible experience, and frankly, one I don't care to repeat. I'm pretty sure the Admiral will take him back; we need a lawyer and a co-worker like him around here. He wins cases, and keeps moral up. Of course he'll get his job back.  
  
"Enter," I say to the closed door. Jen Coates pokes her head in.  
  
"The Admiral would like to see you and Comm- Mr. Rabb in his office, Ma'am," I notice her slip. I understand where she's coming from too, it's hard to get used to him not being in the NAVY.  
  
"Thank you Petty Officer," I get up and make my way to the Admiral's office.  
  
God, why am I so nervous?  
  
"Enter," I hear the Admiral say. I walk into the room and take a seat next to Harm as directed by the Admiral. I can't help but cast Harm a sidelong glace. He looks so out of place wearing civvies in here.  
  
"Mr. Rabb. You're here to collect you belongings I assume," damn, he is not going to make this easy for Harm.  
  
"Actually, Sir. I came to ask if it was a possibility to be reinstated back into my old position here at JAG."  
  
"No," WHAT! Has the Admiral gone insane?  
  
"Sir?" Find myself saying.  
  
"Mr. Rabb, as of 72 hours ago, you are not in the NAVY anymore," What is he talking about? Did he actually send in Harm's resignation?  
  
"I understand that, Sir, but isn't it possible to take me back?" Harm is just as shocked as I am.  
  
"No, Mr. Rabb, it isn't," Oh, God, I'm going to say something that I shouldn't very soon.  
  
"Admiral, he saved my life," I blurt out- and we have lift off.  
  
"He's not a team player," I have never heard such a stupid thing in my life.  
  
"Sir, you have to take him back, he's the best lawyer here. JAG needs him," God, I am so pissed off right now.  
  
"Colonel, I would suggest you stand down, or risk joining the Comm- Rabb," he caught himself. Why is he doing this? "Sir with all due respect-"  
  
"Colonel, you'd better think long and hard about your priorities right now before you say another word," what are my priorities. God, even I don't know. I don't know if I was right or not when I told Harm we would never work, should I risk everything on a whim?  
  
"Sir, you're asking me to choose between my career and my friend," I say. The Admiral looks like he's going to say something, but Harm beats him to it.  
  
"Let's make it easy for you. I'm just going to take the job I was offered at the CIA," What? What job is that?  
  
"Harm-"  
  
"Mac," What? Are you going to finish your sentence? "You chose back in Paraguay what was more important to you. The worst thing you can do in life is second guess yourself," He's walking out. What am I supposed to do? I wince as he slams the door. It's deadly silent in there. I spare a look at the Admiral.  
  
"If I still have to choose, Sir- Let's just say I know where my priorities are right now," I rush out the door after Harm, and catch him heading toward the elevators.  
  
"Harm-"  
  
"What?" He won't look at me. I need to know he doesn't hate me though.  
  
"Maybe it's the worst thing I can do, but I'm second guessing myself," god, that was lame. Well, at least he's looking at me now.  
  
"What do you want from me, Mac? You asked me once what I would give up for you, and I gave up everything I had. You told me to let go, and I did. You asked me if we would wait for eternity, and I cut that short. I can't do anything else, Mac-" He as tears in his eyes, I can see them glistening. He turns away form me and rushes to the stairs. I take off after him. I catch up to him when he's at his car.  
  
"Harm, don't leave like this," please, Harm.  
  
"I can't do this with you, Mac. If you haven't noticed, I have nothing else to give up," ouch, that stung.  
  
"I don't want you to give up anything for me, Harm. I need you."  
  
"And Webb need's you, and that give us a nice little triangle, doesn't it, Mac. You have to choose between Clay and me, now. I'm not going to wait and see how your little fling with him plays out. It hurts me, Mac. I have nothing, I feel absolutely hollow inside," He looks so sad. Oh, god, what have I done to him. He's getting in his car now. I rush over to his window and look at him.  
  
"I'm sorry, Harm. I'm so, so sorry," God, marines aren't supposed to cry like this, but I can't help it.  
  
"Why don't you go down to the Hospital and tell it to Webb," he's leaving. He just guns the engine and leaves. God this hurts. I jump in my own car and head to the only place I know I can.  
  
"Sarah. Shouldn't you be at work?" He asks.  
  
"I can't do this anymore, Clay. I just can't," He's confused, the poor bastards confused.  
  
"Can't do what, Sarah?"  
  
"I can't sit here and pretend to have feelings for you. You deserve so much better than that. I'm so sorry, Clay," he looks so heartbroken. I'm making a lot of people look that way lately.  
  
"No, Sarah. I'm sorry. I know when I told you about my feelings; you must have felt obligated to me. I shouldn't have said anything."  
  
"Oh, Clay-" I stop a moment to gather myself. I can feel sobs coming on that really are not welcome, "I've made such a horrible mess of everything. You and Harm both deserve so much better."  
  
"Sarah, neither Rabb, or myself deserve you. He'll be lucky to have you."  
  
"I'm not so sure he's going to want me after what I've done to him."  
  
"I can't believe I'm saying this, but you should go to him. Try to mend what is between you,"  
  
"Thank you, Clay. You're right, there are some things I need to fix," I give him a quick kiss on the lips and slowly make my way out the door.  
  
I am so nervous. Should I knock, or give it some time for wounds to heal before I talk to him.  
  
Knock.  
  
Okay, done, now what, just wait for him to open the door-  
  
"What do you want?" He asks. I can hear despair in his voice, it hurts me.  
  
"To apologize, and try to mend things between us," I say.  
  
"There's nothing to say, Colonel," damn, why can the call me Mac, or Sarah.  
  
"Harm, I made a decision. I talked to Clay; I told him I need you, not him. Please, Harm, don't hate me," His eyes are so clear. There's so much pain in them, it makes me hurt on the inside.  
  
"You want me?" Maybe it's safe to have hope.  
  
"More than anything," his face is like a stone carving, flawless, yet emotionless.  
  
"Mac, I can't do this right now. Do you even realize how badly you hurt me?"  
  
"I know I hurt you, and I'm so sorry, Harm," I can't even control the tears and sobs anymore.  
  
"I know you are. But I can't let go of that yet, Mac. You can't just fix everything with a few words. I mean- god knows I'm in love with you, but you broke my heart, Mac. As cliché as it sounds, it's how I feel. And I'm sorry, but I can't let you in again right now, I wont take that risk again."  
  
"You never get anywhere by giving up, Harm. You're giving up on me now," I find myself saying.  
  
"And you gave up on us a long time ago, Sarah. God, I'm sick of this game-" He is crying now, too.  
  
"So where do we go from here?"  
  
"You go home, Mac. Just-" he stopped, "just go home."  
  
He closed the door. I can't do anything but just stare, I can hear him sink down against the door, I can hear his sobs. I begin to walk away form the door, but stop when my cell phone rings.  
  
"Colonel Mackenzie," I attempt to hide my sobs.  
  
"Colonel, this is Doctor Ferrara, from Bethesda Naval hospital. I'm afraid Clayton Webb passed away this evening. I'm sorry," I'm stunned. I can vaguely recall saying goodbye and hanging up, but nothing after that.  
  
I walk back to Harm's door and contemplate knocking, but decide it would be useless. Instead I sink down on the side, opposite where Harm is still sitting. At least if we can't be together through this, we can still be close.  
  
The End. 


End file.
